I Use To Be Ashamed Of My Natural Hair

As a woman of African descent, there are some things that I take for granted or more correctly – I don’t really think about. Especially since I live in a predominately black country, which means I don’t think about my blackness every day. This is not to say that I have never encountered racial prejudice but it was usually in the form of self-hate.

The reality is, many black people don’t think of themselves as beautiful – even I don’t. I have however found other positive physical adjectives for myself like – I’m cute or sexy – particularly when I’m covered in make-up and just had my hair done *sigh – I am not confident in my natural state 😦 I’m working on it.

Now this getting my hair done business always meant getting it relaxed and styled – no kinky hair on display, looking half Indian with perfectly straight tresses.

Well after almost 20 years of relaxing my hair, I’m on a new hair journey – I am going natural. It has been about 6 weeks since I last relaxed and I have even put in braids to help with the transitioning process – I have also never been so excited and scared about hair in my life – certainly no hair cut has ever made me feel like this.

For years, my go-to excuse for relaxing my hair was about how manageable relaxed hair is – now after watching many YouTube videos I know that is not the case. Yet this surveyance of natural hair videos has manifested a new fear – what is my natural curl pattern? and will I have good hair? Good enough for a wash and go perhaps. Then it hit me – I am one of those who believes in “good hair“. It wasn’t the manageability I was worried about but rather whether or not my hair would be too coarse, too kinky or too black. This was a total surprise. I was ashamed of black hair but how could this be – I love being black – hell I wish I had that really dark smooth complexion – that almost blue-black shade. It is beyond beautiful to me – reminds me of chocolate and quite frankly makes me want to lick it. I choose fudge over caramel all the time.

I am disappointed in myself and thank goodness for Instagram and all the beautiful pictures of black women rocking their natural hair in all textures and styles. There is such an honest celebration of black hair out there that it takes my breath away – I can’t wait to celebrate my hair the way you guys do 🙂