I’ve been on this earth for 34 years and for the last few years, I’ve spent a significant portion of my time completely alone. In actuality, my weekend routine will see me entering my home on Friday evening and the outside world will not see hide or hair of me until Monday morning, unless I poke my head out to collect a food delivery.
Yes, I spend days on end not speaking to another soul and totally shut inside the walls of my apartment. This was a major problem when I use to work from home and I started feeling like I was becoming a hermit. Fortunately for me, I moved in with my best friend for a brief period, got a job in the corporate world shortly after, but now I’m back to living on my own.
Last year, I really tried to break this pattern but ended up scheduling all activities for during the week so that I could have my weekends all to myself. I even tried dating for a hot minute but that didn’t really go as planned.
The truth is that I often miss my time to myself when I am around others. I miss my routine – my cup of tea in the morning, my half naked lounging, my culinary experiments and my other slightly less than socially accepted recreational activities. The peace and quiet – the freedom to just breathe, I love it and I have become accustomed to it. Perhaps, that is the reason why I am still single after so long. When I think of giving all that up or bringing someone else into my space, it is honestly horrifying.
Now, I cook when I want to, I wash the dishes when I want to and if I don’t feel like showering all weekend, I don’t have to. XD But now, I’m thinking that I may be too good at being alone.
For the most part, when I am home alone I don’t miss people. People don’t matter and I am happy with my own company. I usually miss people when I am away from home and I am reminded that I have to be a social creature to be considered a fully functioning human being.
Still, there are those tiny moments when I am alone and I experience special. It may not even be important, but in those tiny moments when I am watching a really funny program for example and for a brief moment, I wish that I could share my laughter with someone; or I read a really good book and I want to tell someone about it. Sure, I could call a friend and tell him or her, but it’s not the same. Maybe, because I don’t really like talking on the phone too much and I don’t really like texting for too long either – interrupting someone’s life to tell them about a book or movie just seems too trivial. Even right this minute, as I type, I am listening to Radiohead‘s latest album “A Moon Shaped Pool” and it is so good that I wish I could share it with someone.
That’s the thing that I yearn for sometimes. Being alone together, with someone special.