The Weird Girl Who Hides From Herself

Writing has been really difficult in 2016. I have about 20 drafts that I just couldn’t find the time to finish – actually that’s a lie, I just lost interest in finishing those posts. Still, I have the urge to write (I even dream about doing it) but my job kept me distracted – yes, that’s just another excuse 😦

My 2016 was not bad overall. I tried new things, new foods and new people. Unfortunately, the new foods are the only things that have really stuck around. Nevertheless, I did learn a hell of a lot last year and surprisingly at 34 years of age – I learned quite a lot about myself too. One would think that after all the therapy I’ve had, that I would have a firm grip on my personality, in particular, my desires. Turns out I was wrong.

20130324-sss-brene-brown-5-220x312In the latter part of last year, I was introduced to Ph.D Researcher Brene Brown. I watched all her YouTube videos and TED Talks, then proceeded to read her book – Gifts of Imperfection. Now as a rule, I don’t do self-help books or people preaching to me from a pulpit or lectern. Yet almost every word that Brene Brown said or wrote, spoke to me. Her research applied so much to my life and I soon discovered after deep reflection that so much of what I denied myself was because of fear and shame stemming from my childhood. Oh man, I had a few ugly cry sessions while reading.

downloadOh man, I had a few ugly cry sessions while reading Gifts of Imperfection – so much so that I have been at 42% completion of the book but have yet to finish reading it. It touched me in an emotional space that I had been ignoring for some time. I also realised that I had gone beyond ignoring and was actively hiding from myself – as if I wasn’t weird enough.

At my age, as a woman, I need to start asking myself the big questions. What do I want to do with my life? Bearing in mind that some avenues have a biological clock attached and facing myself meant questioning many of my choices so far. In particular, I have been adamant for a few years that I don’t want children. Then my brother went ahead and had 2 sons who are now 4 and 1-year-old. Oh, they are the most precious little human beings. Then I started hanging out with someone who had 3 small children under the age of 6. Again I was struck by how comfortable I was around them, how fun and fulfilling it felt to help to care for them in little tiny ways. I also spent a lot more time with my nephews – seeing them at least twice per week. Then the questioning began in the back of my head – why don’t I want children again? I was becoming unsure.

Brene Brown, her wonderful speeches, and book; helped me to recognise that the shame from my terrible childhood made me feel unworthy of having children. Serious lightning struck moment – hence the aforementioned ugly crying. Who knew I was hiding these dark emotions inside me. With my BPD under control, I have been wondering if I can even legitimately claim the diagnosis anymore, yet there I was, dealing with shame that I hadn’t realised that I had. It was a painful breakthrough but so very valuable.

Still, I am not saying that I want to run out and bang out a few kids. If it’s meant to be, I now would not mind having one child. Although I doubt it would happen anytime soon. First I need to sort out why I haven’t been in a proper relationship in nearly 7 years. My only proposition now, is that I am just too good at being alone. I don’t need a boyfriend, I just want one – but not just anyone – a good boyfriend with the potential for long-term companionship.

Well here’s to 2017 – hope springs eternal, so maybe I’ll find the good boyfriend this year 😀

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