I use to keep a journal but not so much these days – these days I blog or find a listening ear – or I say nothing. Being me means that I occasionally have chaotic emotions – the whole BPD thing explains most of this. Yet as a high functioning, none-medicated adult living with a personality disorder I am prone to mishandling my emotions. My go to instinct is to suppress my emotions as much as possible but emotions are bottles of soda to people like me. If conditions are calm and not too stressful I am perfectly good but shaking that bottle of soda is likely to produce a big mess. So, I fight my instinct every day, by keeping track of my emotional state and occasionally opening my soda bottle to let out some of my troublesome bubbles. Blogging is just one of the ways that I open my soda bottle.
Then they’re the individuals who will call people like me “emotional exhibitionists”. I heard the term the other day and it confused me a bit because it sounds negative but it is kind of what I do. I think the negative connotation is that I am seeking attention – again I think I’m suppose to feel bad about that. Emotional exhibitionist sounds like such an accusation. Yet I am not bothered – I blog for me and anyone who wants to read it – yes it’s a self-centred indulgence but so what.
I spend so much of real life not saying what I really want to say – so I have created this corner of the internet to let loose. So for instance, to the last guy I was seeing who I wanted to call a self-important, egotistical, critical, pretentious, yet alarming ignorant and naive asshole – Yes you guessed it – I said none of those things to his face, only because it really wouldn’t have mattered since we didn’t mean anything to each other and I was just so over having contact with him – I simply put him out of my mind until this tiny moment of ire. Still, I bring him up now mainly because he did teach me something.
As they say, “you can’t shake the asshole tree and expect prince charming to fall out” – I have therefore deleted Tinder from my phone.
Anyway, as someone who has bottled up their feelings nearly at the cost of my life, I am very happy to now be an emotional exhibitionist. I’m proudly letting it all hangout and becoming a happier healthy person because of it 🙂
Now I remember where I heard the term “emotional exhibitionist” – the movie “Welcome to me” about a woman who suffers from BPD. To be honest that movie made me cringe so many times even though it was also sometimes hilarious. Although, I always try to distance myself from people who have such severe cases of BPD – because I am “high-functioning” as my doctors tell me and because I’m afraid that people will think that, that portrayal is indicative of me and my issues. The truth is no two persons with BPD are the same and we all have our separate manifestations of the illness – so no judgements, please.