The reactions to BPD are as you can expect – any hint of mental illness – I like to say mental instability is usually met with discrimination, stigma and down right disbelief. I have had someone tell me that it’s all nonsense – doctors making up diagnosis to get money from medication and therapy. *sigh – How I wish that were true.
Even this morning, my best-friend, who’s house I’m staying at until my house finishes renovating was condemning me for not talking to his girl-friend who came for the weekend. Now while I can pretend to be an extrovert really well, in close settings if I don’t like you I find it hard to pretend. Hell, I find it hard to even strike up conversation, either because I’m not feeling like talking to anyone or I simply don’t want to. This behaviour he tells me, makes all his girlfriends’ dislike me *sigh.
The truth is I don’t really like any of his girl-friend’s, they are insecure, petty women – seriously. I try to reserve judgement upon initial contact but if I don’t like someone – I just don’t. It’s not an active emotion in me – I’m simply indifferent to their presence. I do the usual pleasantries but I don’t think it rings true.
End of story – my best-friend believes that I should try harder. He has no idea how hard I am already trying to even offer the platitudes. I say having BPD means that I have a hard time forming attachments and I actually usually try to avoid them. He says what does BPD have to do with it.
This hurts me more than he will ever know, I have told him many times in the past about BPD but he just doesn’t get it. I ask him to read an article, he agrees.
I am temporarily saved from falling down the rabbit hole.
(I call my episodes “the rabbit hole” sometimes *tiny smile)