I said it, I really finally said – I have BPD.
I am one of the fortunate high functioning Borderline Personality Disorder sufferers, who have managed to remain medication free; so no anti-depressant or mood stabilizer for me. I have actively resisted them and discarded every prescription I was ever prescribed, even during my hospital stays *stories for another time.
The very few times, I have told anyone about my having BPD is often met is with extreme scepticism and the following.
“But you seem so bubbly and friendly?”
“You seem so normal – well most of the time anyway”
And the truth is that I am mostly OK and mostly-not-faking or pretending either. Yet, there are times when I hide behind my smile, when I’m dying inside, slowly drowning on land and I go through the socially acceptable motions. I would say that 80% of the time but it’s probably closer to 75 or 70% of the time – I am fairly content and subjectively “normal”.
The other times, I am paralysed by sadness to the degree where I can barely move, let alone work, go out, talk to people or even shower or eat. I use to simply curl up somewhere and wait for it to be over, now I “self-medicate”. Being high functioning, I can sometimes talk myself out of an episode (high-functioning coupled with many hours of therapy).
The most profound effect of my BPD is its ability to rob me of relationships. I am always terrified of forming relationships because I so dread the thought of explaining my BPD. I think that it has gotten to the point where it’s making me avoid relationships before they have even begun.
Now, what the hell am I suppose to do about that? Start seeing my therapist again? … The thought horrifies me.