Am I Alone By Choice Or Circumstance?

aloneI live alone, I work from home and I claim a familial relationship to 2 people – well until my brother got married and welcomed my nephew. The only other blood relation that I know and really don’t interact with very much is my mother – that’s a story for another day. Oh and I have about 2 or 3 friends that I speak to regularly – meaning not everyday.

So that’s it, most days I don’t speak to another living soul, except via email, text or instant messaging and only for work. Many people will find that strange but I’m use to it. It’s also not that I have a problem making friends because I usually “relate” to most people even after my dubious first impression (as is often remarked to me later).

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been talking to someone for some length of time and then they say,

You know when I first met you, I didn’t like you

I understand now, why that is – I have a strong personality and I’m not likely to joke around in inappropriate situations or locals.

I have a public face and very few people get to see my private face. It comes with being too wild I think, without a public face, people would be shocked about what goes on in my head. I wish I could reconcile the two parts of my personality, but the world’s not ready for “Outrageous Elo” 🙂

So yea, I’m alone – a lot. Most of the times it doesn’t bother me but other times like when I’m sick it really really sucks.

Having recently contracted the Chikungunya virus, I suffered through it alone, without medication. I couldn’t get it myself, nor did I ask anyone to get it for me. I told a few people I was sick but that’s about all I did. As a matter of fact it didn’t even occur to me to ask for help, I’m so use to suffering in silence.

I’m the girl who will quietly starve to death not asking for help once – the very sad truth is that dying of starvation has been a very real danger in my life.

Is it my pride that keeps me from asking for help? I’m not sure, maybe. Although I always say to myself that I don’t want to bother anybody. I don’t want to be a burden or a nuisance. That’s really my breakthrough I think.

I often wonder, what’s my friendship worth? Sometimes I can honestly say that being my friend may be more hassle than its worth. No friend deserves to be bogged down by the issues in my head – I don’t even want to be in my head sometimes.

I hate that look in people’s eyes when they recognize my otherness. Maybe its my own projected self-consciousness but I don’t think so. Frequently, I get the delighted expressions of,

I’ve never met anyone like you before

But of course, I also get the censored, judgement expressions of the same sentiment. It gets a little tiring.

Still it takes a very special kind of person to handle the real me, so I don’t share the real me very often. I offer up the pleasant politically correct girl who smiles a lot and cracks jokes. Maybe people inevitably sense that and that’s why I have so many superficial relationships.

Growing up I had a few close friends who I grew apart from because of circumstances and then I had a best-friend who remained so through high school and young adulthood. That relationship exploded. Let’s just say that two damaged people swimming in darkness only feed off each other’s misery. We weren’t helping each other, we were like 2 crabs in a barrel. I loved her – still do actually but we no longer speak.

I have deep abandonment issues as well, people have a tendency of leaving me. Just another badge from my rootless childhood.

So am I alone by choice or circumstance? I still don’t know.

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