With the idea of being brutally honest and no longer hiding from myself – I share the following. Just something else, I thought I had gotten over but only managed to bury. I wrote this after not speaking to my mother for about 2-3 years and learning that she had a brain tumor.
Diary Entry – February 19, 2008
My soul, my spirit is in danger. It seems that every time I turn around ‘its’ there. Bitterness. Resentment. I can feel the blemish on my soul. I can feel it like a black icky substance – corrupting me. I need to face it.
I find myself resenting others. Resenting them for having so much more than I. For having more money, for never having to worry about their survival the way I have to, for having a family, for loving and being loved. All the things I want, all the things I need, all the things I yearn for but never seem to find – never seem to hold on to. Bitter tears – those are the ones I now cry. Bitter burning tears. I don’t want to be this person.
I think I know where all this is coming from or where it all started. My mother – doesn’t it always. I resent her so much. I resent her for being sick now. I resent that even though we haven’t spoken in so long she still has power over me. I thought I had successfully erased her – from my life, from my heart and mind. But now she’s sick – sick. I didn’t bargain for that. How do you harden your heart to someone who may be dying? Inside me something feels like its dying.
But how do I get over the past – finally let it go, finally forgive her. My resentment for her is spilling over into everything. Affecting everything – I need to take care of it. Soon. As soon as possible but I’m so afraid.
I guess locked inside of me is still that little girl who yearns for her mother’s affections. Always yearning but never attaining it. All I’ve ever wanted from her is for her to love me, but if she doesn’t love me then who ever will?