There are times when words seem to bubble up inside me and start to ebb and flow inside my skull like the ocean’s tide. It’s times like these that I must pause and try to capture this sliver of emotion. So today, the duality of womanhood has suddenly blossomed in my subconscious – my own in particular.
I can recall saying to an ex-boyfriend,
When I look at you, I either want to mother you or smother you.
He thought it was a clever turn of phrase, it was actually the depths of emotions I had for him – swinging from one side of the pendulum to the other. I loved him and wanted to take care of him but I hated so many parts of him and wanted to rid myself of his presence. His torturous essence was inflicting cognitive dissonance to say the least.
Since then, I have struggled to reconcile the two opposite sides of my personality; the strong pagan of empowerment and self-reliance against the soft emotional soul who melts at a kiss and cries at sad movies and music. For a long time I believed that I needed to be one or the other.
How can I be moved to tears at a mere painting or melody and yet decide to not believe in love? I began to believe only in pain.
Even now, my strongest belief is in the human obsession with attachment that leads us to construct boundaries of emotions that serve to frequently break our hearts. Yes, I still believe in broken hearts, shattered hopes and expectations; the vomited up dreams that reeks in our everyday lives and makes calamity of our existence.
I wish I could believe in love again, but that girl is gone. Is there anything more pitiful than those creatures like myself, who can believe in the bad but not the good?
Yet with this cynical world view comes a kind of strength, a certain gumption and the ability to live in the moment as with no expectations comes no disappointments or at least no more broken hearts.